a bit too early to tell.


here i am sitting in my new room at the costley's home. we moved here for the remainder of spencer's schooling... just until may. it is nice and gretta has a nursery which i can't wait to show you some pictures of.

well. i've debated about writing about this topic for a few days now. and it is a bit personal but i decided for my own process of healing i should write about it on here.

i just finished reading an article about parenting. the hard parts of it and the wonderful parts of it. there are most definitely both. even with an almost-1-year-old. i read the article and i couldn't contain my tears because of the intensity with which i'm feeling that parenting is such a special, not to be taken for granted experience. the intricacies that are involved in everyday tasks are far more complicated and exhausting and REWARDING than any job i've personally ever had.

from the moment a woman finds out that she is pregnant she will never be the same. i became such a different person with gretta. and i became even more changed when i found out i would be having another baby! somehow i felt a HUGE burden being placed on my shoulders. but it wasn't heavy, it was just HUGE. i mean, that is a lot of responsibility. 2 PEOPLE to take care of and feed and bathe and love and teach everything to!! i felt like i was stepping into another realm of my life. and i was so very excited. i felt special.

saturday night and into sunday i miscarried my baby. i went to the hospital sunday morning and had an operation to complete the miscarriage. all through these two days, it didn't feel real at all. i didn't know what i was loosing. it set in little by little and i realize now that i lost something really important. i don't want to revel in my sadness. because i know it happened for a reason. i only want to say that i'm still changed. and i feel even more special to have a healthy, beautiful baby girl to take care of right now. although she really isn't a baby any longer, she is more like a big sassy ball of LOVE!